I Had a Dream.

And it was not good.  Ever since 9/11, I have had a moderate fear of flying. I'll do it, but I have to take dramamine to make me extra sleepy, and I pretty much have sweaty palms the whole time. I jump at every bit of turbulence. I watch for strange-acting people. I sit close to the exits.

In April 2008, G and I flew to San Francisco to celebrate our 2nd anniversary. We took off, got up past 10,000 feet, and it seemed that we would rise up and then drop down a bit repeatedly. I was SO nervous. About 30 minutes into the 2- hour flight, which was around 8 a.m., the plane was turning around so that the sunlight was suddenly pouring through the windows on the other side of the plane. "Oh, God", I thought. There is something wrong. We were headed back in the direction from which we came, without explanation. About 10 minutes later (and after quite a bit of turbulence), the pilot announced that they were having trouble maintaining cabin pressure. G looked at me because he knew I was freaking out...and I practically squeezed the blood out of his left hand until we touched back down.  To make matters worse, they made us stay ON THE PLANE, like they were going to use the same plane again. WTF ever. I was not staying on this effing plane. After further inspection (and realizing there was a crack in the plane....yeah. seriously.), they switched planes, and we enjoyed the rest of our trip.

Fast forward 10 months, February 2009.  We flew to Las Vegas for a work-related convention. From our room at Mandalay Bay, I could watch planes take off...it seemed therapeutic at the time. On our last night in Vegas, Feb 13th,  we were getting ready for bed while watching the news. All of a sudden breaking news...a Continental Express jet crashed in Buffalo, NY, killing all aboard.  I was devastated and enthralled all at the same time. I wanted to know exactly.what.happened. Sick, right? Because this [crashing] is my biggest fear, like that Alanis Morisette song, "Ironic".  I slept only 4 hours that night, and was frightened until we made it back home the next morning.

Four weeks later, I took a trip by myself to Reno, NV to visit a good friend. The trip went well, and I was waiting to board the flight back home. There was a delay, and an hour after our flight was supposed to depart, the attendants had no information for us, except that there was a spill in the plane that they were trying to clean up, and that we would board shortly. No less than a half-hour later, I see 3 fire trucks pull up, with several men in aluminum-foil-looking haz mat suits getting out and heading to the plane with mercury spill kits. I'm watching in amazement, thinking, "You've gotta be kidding me! " I have the worst luck/Karma with planes.  Thankfully, we weren't allowed on the plane and had to wait for another to arrive.

Now to my dream. I am one of 20 or so people on an almost-empy commercial plane, and all of a sudden we go into a tailspin...and then I wake up.  It doesn't seem bad, but I've had this dream more times than I can count on both hands.  I never get past the tailspin part. What does this mean? 

Do I feel as though I'm losing control of something?
Is it a literal interpretation of my fear of flying these days?

I have no idea, but the dream scares.the.crap.out.of.me every time.

It's sad, but I'm mentally preparing myself for another flight to Vegas in August, and I am a bit nervous.