Balancing Work and Motherhood

Millions of women do it. Mommy and employee. It's like having a double major.  You get rewards of both, but you have to work twice as hard. I'm not saying that stay-at-home moms don't work as hard as those that work outside the home. I'm just saying that if you want to be good at both, your attention has to be divided. Even before I was pregnant, I knew that I would go back to work. I am proud of the fact that I have a 4-year bachelor's degree and a 3-year master's degree. I worked damned hard for it, despite family and financial setbacks, and I sure wasn't going to give that all up to stay at home all day long.

Then it happened.

Katelyn was born, my maternity leave sailed by, and at the end of February I started dreading work. I was having fun getting to know my little girl, some days staying in PJs all day long, baking, keeping house, doing laundry...and on the weekends, I got to hang out with the hubby and girl and relax because all the housework was done!  Who would want to trade that for getting up early, being forced to look presentable, then having to head to work and function a few notches higher on the brain scale?

March 1st rolled around. A Monday, and I cried and cried as I drove to work. The waterworks lasted well into half of my morning at work. In between patients, I would go back to my desk and stare at the picture of my darling little girl, longing to be at home, nursing her and rocking her to sleep. Instead, I was forced to a cold treatment room with the pump attached to my chest, browsing facebook on my iphone as the repetitive churning of the pump filled the air with noise. Not my idea of fun 3 times during the workday. I couldn't wait to get back home to her.

Now here we are at the end of March. I've adjusted well, even with Katelyn waking up at 2 am, 4 am. My brain is somehow used to getting only 4-6 hours of sleep, as compared to the 8-9 hours it needed to function before. I've become more efficient, by preparing my lunches at night, doing laundry 2-3 times a week instead of once a week on the weekends.  (What the hell did I do with all of my time before?)

Work is now becoming a break from the difficulties of being a mom. For 9 hours a day, I don't have a baby attached to me, I don't have spit up in my hair, and I actually smell good. People come to me for help, and I help them. My coworkers miss me when I'm gone.  I have an AWESOME nanny. She's so great that she texts me pictures and updates during the day to ease my first-time-mommy worries.  I pick K up at the end of the day, and she grins ear to ear like she hasn't seen me in days.  Ahh, I love that sweet smile.

What the heck do I have to complain about?

Nothing.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Please bear with me as I play around with my new template!

When American-made just doesn't really work.

I love lazy Sundays. Still in PJs. Slowly getting laundry done. Catching up on my blog reading. Katelyn quietly napping in her swing with the low woosh-woosh-woosh sound in the background. Glen is gone with his dad looking at a new/used car for me. A trailblazer, in fact. My dream car? No. I insist on something well-made that won't need a lot of maintenance (ahem, can you say foreign-made?), but my father-in-law kindly says he won't work on it unless it's made in the USA. I argue the fact that most USA-originating brands are made outside the USA anyway, but I *swear* he ignores me. 

I don't want a minivan. So Jenny, before you try to sell me on your Odyssey, I just don't prefer them. :)  I would like an SUV with 3 rows, so that I can fold down the back seat when Techster the super-dog needs a ride.  Day after day, I dread lugging the 13-lb girl in and out of the backseat of my 2-door car. There's no place to hang a mirror on the seat back so that I can see her. Her stroller takes up all of my trunk space.  The grand prix just isn't ideal anymore. Can  I live with it a bit longer? I suppose.

Oh wait---G just walked in and said, "It was a piece of shit."

Yessss.  ::cue fist pump::  Crisis averted.

Now can we look at Toyotas? Hondas?

Thankful Thursday

I am thankful for:

1.  My dear hubby, for the neck rubs, homemade lattes, and your encouragement.

2.  Hershey's kisses, for giving me my chocolate fix.

3.  My DVR, to record all of my brain-cell-killing-reality-shows so that I can pump and watch when I want.

4.  Katelyn's soothing seahorse, for making naptime/bedtime so much easier.

5.  My crockpot, for giving me time to do laundry and housekeeping without the extra time spent cooking.

6.  My online posse of mommy-friends...you know who you are!

7.  One year ago on 3/26/09: finding out I was to be a mommy.

8. The results:

Katelyn, the second love of my life.

Spring has sprung!

I *heart* spring. Crisp, fresh air. Cherry trees blooming. The sound of birds chirping outside. The warm sun blanketing my skin with life-giving light. Aaahhhhhh.

Then the resentment kicks in. Why did I get stuck with a maternity leave in the dead of winter? I could have walked every day, losing the baby weight and inching away from the little bit of post-partum depression I have right now. Of course, I have only self-diagnosed. No doctor's visits or meds here, because I'm not really depressed...I'm just.....80% happy. I do not have thoughts about harming myself or my baby. I just wish for better days. Days where I don't have to try on 10 outfits in the morning to find something that doesn't give me a muffin top, expose my largest-they've-ever-been breast-us-es, or amplify my wider-than-ever hips. Days where I don't make myself go crazy wondering how many calories are in every bite. Days where I am secure with who I am, no matter what size or shape I may be.

Success and happiness take action, though, so I'll just keep on keepin' on.

Getting there.

 Another 2 lbs gone this week. THANK GOD. My typical oatmeal for breakfast, yogurt for mid-morning snack, and salad for lunch has kick-started my weight loss. Go figure, I needed more fiber and veggies. [I knew it all along, but those chocolate chip cookies were just too good to stay away from (for a while). ]

Not only have I been able to fit into a pair of work pants that I could barely button a month ago, but I feel more energetic. Now don't get me wrong. I have a chocolate stash that I have to raid at least once daily, just to fool myself into thinking that I'm not being deprived....and really, I'm not. My body is getting more nutrients that it needs, so I'm looking at it as "treating" myself (with veggies).

How screwed up is that?

Now, if my milk supply could just go up a little more....so that I can take K to Grandma's house.....so I can make it to the gym. Thank goodness good [non-rainy] weather is coming! Gonna put that stroller to good use!

Single Ladies

That had to have been the song that was on Katelyn's imaginary/invisible ipod at 3:30 this morning, 'cause the girl was babbling and singing like she was Beyonce herself.  I couldn't help but laugh at her being so vocal after a rare middle-of-the-night feeding.  Not very funny, though, considering I set an alarm to pump at 1 am (to help with my supply that wasn't so great yesterday) and got back to bed at 1:30. She woke at 3, was fed, babbled, and finally needed a little more time on the mommy boob at 4:00, and I didn't make it back to bed until 4:30. Ugh. I love the girl, but a working mommy has gotta get some shut-eye!

What do ya bet she sleeps through the night tonight since I don't work tomorrow?

The recession can kiss my blarney stone

As a physical therapist in a world of people always having to recover from injuries or illness, I've always felt secure in my career choice with little chance of having trouble finding/keeping work.  However, the recession we've been in for a while is just hitting my workplace over the last few months...and hitting hard.  When I used to dread my over-busy workdays, I'm begging for patients now.

It doesn't help that I now only work 32 hrs/wk after maternity leave, but now my boss is asking each therapist to not work a day next week (and possibly weeks to come) to save the company money. We just haven't been as busy, my schedule isn't fully booked with patients back-to-back like they used to be, and something's gotta give.  AND they want us to give up one day in the outpatient clinic to help out in the hospital. Did I ever mention I HATE acute care with a passion?  However, these options are much better than the alternative...getting laid off. That I do not want.

This whole topic was spurred by the insanely small paycheck I got today for the last 2 weeks. Let's just say between adding K to my health insurance, deductions for the new childcare spending account, and general taxes, I have 40% of my usual pay. OUCH. They say kids are expensive, but wowza. I'm hurting.  Looks like that new/gently used car I had on the horizon will have to wait.

When can a girl catch a break?

Post-It Note Tuesday

Eggstra bad

Day 2 of operation "Eat Fresh", and I've already succumbed to a Cadbury egg. Other than that, I've done well for the day....but I am still H.U.N.G.R.Y. I wish it were acceptable for a grown woman to have a pacifier. Gum just doesn't do it for me. Eh. 

To be a baby again....

I'm taking action

I have GOT to get rid of this spare tire (or two, it feels like).  Sorta counting WW points, but not really.  I read an article in Women's Health that got me thinking about the way I eat, and that maybe I should just lower my expectations of myself. This weight came on in 9+months....and it's gonna take at least that long to go away. Oh, and by the way, I will not post my actual weight because I'm vain (and embarrassed) that way. :)

I have to say that day one is a success. Lots of veggies, fruits, whole grains, lean protein and dairy...and within my WW points rangee...and I feel full. It takes a bit more effort every night, but worth it.  I'm so tired of having such a low self-esteem. And the hubs has got to be getting tired of it, too.

Any good, lean, healthy recipes you care to share?

Costco

I love the place (minus the people who don't know how to steer their carts and the people who block the aisle waiting on a free sample). As many of you know, these wholesale stores can make a girlfriend go B-R-O-K-E.  Two hundred dollars for a half-filled cart?  Ah, the lure of bulk packs.

But have you looked closely at the prices?  You THINK everything is cheaper because, well, you're at Costco (or Sams, or whatever). My challenge to you shoppers who frequent these retailers: check the unit price. (For those of you who already do this, and I'm sure many of you do, high-five!) You may not believe what a rip-off you're getting, especially on the 8+ packs (of anything). Sure, a 2-box package of Cheerios is easy to figure out how much per box you're paying, but you may not take the time to think about the price per roll of a 20-pack of toilet paper. 

I recently got a smart phone, and I use the calculator function for just this reason. I know, I sound like a tightwad. But, drastic times call for desperate measures.  Meaning: I WANT A NEW CAR!  And the only way I'll get it is to save, save, save. A challenge, considering I'm also trying to shed a few (30+) pounds since having this beautiful girl:

I have been using Money Saving Mom as a helpful tool to getting great (even free) deals on groceries and household items. Check it out to save some $!

Awakenings

Just as I sit to type...the girl wakes up from her too-short nap. Ah, the life.

I Had a Dream.

And it was not good.  Ever since 9/11, I have had a moderate fear of flying. I'll do it, but I have to take dramamine to make me extra sleepy, and I pretty much have sweaty palms the whole time. I jump at every bit of turbulence. I watch for strange-acting people. I sit close to the exits.

In April 2008, G and I flew to San Francisco to celebrate our 2nd anniversary. We took off, got up past 10,000 feet, and it seemed that we would rise up and then drop down a bit repeatedly. I was SO nervous. About 30 minutes into the 2- hour flight, which was around 8 a.m., the plane was turning around so that the sunlight was suddenly pouring through the windows on the other side of the plane. "Oh, God", I thought. There is something wrong. We were headed back in the direction from which we came, without explanation. About 10 minutes later (and after quite a bit of turbulence), the pilot announced that they were having trouble maintaining cabin pressure. G looked at me because he knew I was freaking out...and I practically squeezed the blood out of his left hand until we touched back down.  To make matters worse, they made us stay ON THE PLANE, like they were going to use the same plane again. WTF ever. I was not staying on this effing plane. After further inspection (and realizing there was a crack in the plane....yeah. seriously.), they switched planes, and we enjoyed the rest of our trip.

Fast forward 10 months, February 2009.  We flew to Las Vegas for a work-related convention. From our room at Mandalay Bay, I could watch planes take off...it seemed therapeutic at the time. On our last night in Vegas, Feb 13th,  we were getting ready for bed while watching the news. All of a sudden breaking news...a Continental Express jet crashed in Buffalo, NY, killing all aboard.  I was devastated and enthralled all at the same time. I wanted to know exactly.what.happened. Sick, right? Because this [crashing] is my biggest fear, like that Alanis Morisette song, "Ironic".  I slept only 4 hours that night, and was frightened until we made it back home the next morning.

Four weeks later, I took a trip by myself to Reno, NV to visit a good friend. The trip went well, and I was waiting to board the flight back home. There was a delay, and an hour after our flight was supposed to depart, the attendants had no information for us, except that there was a spill in the plane that they were trying to clean up, and that we would board shortly. No less than a half-hour later, I see 3 fire trucks pull up, with several men in aluminum-foil-looking haz mat suits getting out and heading to the plane with mercury spill kits. I'm watching in amazement, thinking, "You've gotta be kidding me! " I have the worst luck/Karma with planes.  Thankfully, we weren't allowed on the plane and had to wait for another to arrive.

Now to my dream. I am one of 20 or so people on an almost-empy commercial plane, and all of a sudden we go into a tailspin...and then I wake up.  It doesn't seem bad, but I've had this dream more times than I can count on both hands.  I never get past the tailspin part. What does this mean? 

Do I feel as though I'm losing control of something?
Is it a literal interpretation of my fear of flying these days?

I have no idea, but the dream scares.the.crap.out.of.me every time.

It's sad, but I'm mentally preparing myself for another flight to Vegas in August, and I am a bit nervous.

Wordless Wednesday

Flame-Free Confessions

Get your own superstickies at Supah Mommy...and get to know more bloggers!

3 months

Katelyn, my sweetie, you turned 3 months old yesterday! I can't believe time has passed so quickly...I'm back to work, you're STTN, and I'm packing up too-tiny socks and sleepers that just don't fit anymore!

You also LOVE bathtime now! You kick and grin, but you don't last very long when the shivering begins.

You love it when mommy and daddy make funny faces at you, but you especially love it when we stick out our tongues like froggies do. You are now beginning to laugh on a regular basis, but you save your belly laughs for rare instances.

You still have your visual attachment to the pretty orchid above your changing table, but you, my dear, are now in love with YOURSELF! You catch a glance in every mirror that catches your eye, especially the one attached to your play mat. In fact, that's the only way that mommy has a chance to make dinner and catch up with chores lately.

The funniest thing you do, by far, is when you're lying on your back. You stick out your tongue, kick your legs and arms at the same time, open your eyes wide, and semi-scream as you watch your toys dangle above you. You get so excited! Plus, you can now hold and shake your rattle, but only if mommy helps you first.

I went to get you out of your crib this morning, and you had turned yourself sideways! One arm was sticking through the slats (and it's times like this I wonder why bumpers aren't recommended), and when I said "Good morning, sugar!" you shyly grinned and then reached your arms up to me! You are so amazing.I don't know how it's possible, but I love you more and more every day. Yes, even when you're screaming your head off for 45 minutes.

Because that's what mommies do.

On second thought...

I just need a wife!

Just a thought.

Every mother should have the right to clone herself on demand.

The hubs is just not cutting the mustard when it comes to sharing baby duty. However, If it came to teaching baby how to ignore mommy and play videogames, he would be stellar.

I can't believe my ears

I have now gone 10 hours and 15 minutes without the cry of my baby. No, she's not sick. She STTN! I had to actually get up and check on her a couple of times because I thought surely something must be wrong. But, the gentle heave of her chest as she slept reassured me that, yes, my baby is growing up! In fact, she is still sleeping. Folks, that means I have posted 2 blog entries in the same span of baby sleeping! If I were a gambling woman, I would be the biggest loser because I never would have guessed she'd sleep this long.

How'd she change her sleeping habits so quickly?

We put her to bed BEFORE she fell asleep. What?! Yes. The last 2 nights, I got tired of waiting for her to fall asleep while nursing or cradled in my arms (as per usual). She was crying, I put her in her crib with her Soothing Seahorse, and within 20 minutes the first night and 5 minutes lastnight, she was asleep! So if any of you new moms out there are struggling with getting baby to sleep, I highly suggest this method. No, I didn't read about the Ferber method or any other get-baby-to-sleep book. I used my motherly intuition (and a well-written article in Parenting magazine) to spark the change. OK, OK, so the magazine helped more than my intuition...but it worked!

Now I get to paint my toenails without interruption and enjoy my day off from work. Yes, folks, that's right. I just went back to work yesterday. And today is my day off. Pretty hilarious, but that's the way the cookie crumbled when it came to my schedule...and in my head I dream of ripping my boss' head off...because me having Mondays (or Wednesdays or Fridays) off just would not work for her. Ugh.

Oh, and for those of you that read this blog, even if you've never commented, could you write me a short blurb to let me know that you're reading??? Because I'm needy that way. :)

Going back and making cuts

So I made it through my first day back to work, but not without tears. Initially I was fine, rocking in the glider, eating my oatmeal as she snacked on the boobie. Then she finished, looked up at me, grinned her little toothless grin, and I broke down. Tears welled up and messed my freshly applied eye makeup (that I rarely wear these days)...but all I could think of was someone else feeding her, seeing her smiles, rocking her to sleep. All while I'm listening to an 85-year-old man complain to me that I can't reverse his arthritis.

BUT

Once I got to work, I realized the comraderie I've missed from all of my coworkers. I have to say that most of them are awesome. Plus, everyone loved my new look...

Before:


















After:













What do ya think?