Taking Steps

Another dreary day. I'm looking forward to sunnier days...both literally and hypothetically. I don't know what else to talk about since this is all I can think about. I would love (and I try) to pretend that I'm 100% fine, but that's what I've done for almost 5 months. I see the doctor tomorrow to figure out what to do. So, I've decided that part of my own self-therapy will be to come to my blog as often as I can and write down my feelings of the day.

On a positive note, Katelyn has STTN for the last 2 nights. I can't help but be convinced that it's a fluke....the only thing I've done differently is give her gripe water before her bedtime formula. That's it. In fact, she's still asleep now at 7:20 a.m. after going down at 9 lastnight. She hasn't slept that long since March. The nice thing is that I was able to get out of bed because I wanted to, not because I had to. A good start, right?

I have also decided to set 2-3 "Goals of the Day" so that I will feel less pressured and more accomplished every day. Today's goals? Fold Katelyn's laundry, make a trip to the mall, and vaccuum the house. Whatever else I get done will be gravy.

Since my last post, I've done some soul-searching and realized that many of my issues come from my own upbringing and my goal to give my daughter a better experience than I had. I'm not saying I was miserable, but I guarantee you that I faced more emotional trauma than many of you out there. Luckily, that didn't involve any physical trauma beyond your good ol' fashioned spanking (only with a leather belt than left welts). My father was an alcoholic---he died in 2001 due to illness stemming from that---and his dependency affected every single house we lived in, the multiple schools we went to, the friends we had (or didn't have), the way my mother responded to us, everything. I will spare you any more details, but I know that I may need to talk to a therapist to help me sort out all of the issues I'm facing.

So, I have the day off from work today. I will set out to accomplish my goals of the day. I will try my best not to cry at the drop of a hat. I will smile at my little girl and engage her in play. I will try to take steps forward, one at a time.