I broke down today after work, while Katelyn was sleeping. What sparked it? I was uploading pics from the SD card to the computer from last weekend, and I hardly recognize myself. I've never had a good self-esteem, but I am at an all-time low. Glen came home and saw that I wasn't doing well. He snuggled me, gave me tissues, asked what he could do to help.
I think he's been seeing the signs of my unhappiness for a while, and he really does try to help. The hardest thing for me is not knowing what to tell him when he asks me what I want him to do besides helping with the night calls. He is such a trooper dealing with my non-existent libido. All I can do is wonder if he longs for the girl with the thinner, fitter body that I used to be.
I am exercising. I am getting outside when the weather allows. I'm trying my best to eat better (but that bacon cheeseburger yesterday was SO good and sooooo bad). I smile at my baby and laugh when she laughs. I rock and soothe and pat and rub as long as I need to and keep going. I am not having ill thoughts towards my baby or myself.
But when I'm by myself, I'm really, really scared.
6 comments:
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I know it's easier said than done,but you can't be so hard on yourself. I think we women think our bodies will bounce back faster and easier then they really do. I know I look at pictures and think "Ugh I have never looked worse!" But then I think to myself that life could be much worse, and if my looks are the only bad thing I'm upset about then life is good, because there is much more to life then our looks. You will bounce back, it's just a rough chapter with all the breastfeeding and lack of sleep. Instead of being so hard on yourself, pat yourself on the back and give yourself the deserved credit for all your hard work as a new mommy :)
Oh sweetie! I am so sorry you are feeling like this. Have you gone to see someone about it? I think it will help you.
((HUGS))
I spent quite a bit of time resenting my husband when my daughter was first born because when he deemed it bedtime, he went to bed and shut the door and you didn't see him again until morning. For the first 6 weeks of her life, my daughter SCREAMED from 1-3am. She could not be calmed by anything, and I was constantly in fear of waking up my husband, who had to go to a crappy job in the morning to pay the bills.
I believe I read that your daughter is now 4 months old? So milk supply should be less of an issue now that she can start rice cereal and drink water too. She will still get the calories she needs to grow. And, even though it is far from ideal, there is always formula. There are ways to get her the nourishment she needs.
Also, if you're that sleep deprived, you're going to have to use sick days or vacation time off work and get some rest. You aren't any good to your daughter or husband when you're that far gone. Call a couple friends, ask them if they'd each do you a favor and come spend about 2 hours cuddling your baby and go to sleep. If you can't sleep, take a long shower and paint your toenails, anything to get you centered again.
I hope this doesn't sound preachy, I'm really just trying to be supportive. I had a lot of strange emotions in the beginning too.
I've been reading your blog for awhile but have never commented. Just wanted to say hang in there. I can tell from your blog that you're a great mom and wife and I'm sure this is just a rough patch! Hugs!!
it sounds like you might have a little postpartum depression....I went through it BIG time! Youll pull through! Email if you ever want to talk more! JessicaBranagan@Yahoo.com
Hang in there!
Hi there,
I've never commented on your blog either, but I've been following it since you led the jinglebellies group on the nest. My daughter just turned 5 months old and I had to go see my doc a month ago for postpartum..I didn't even know that's what it was at the time..I was just really irritable and NOT happy. Things are much better now. Good luck!
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